These past couple of days I have been dealing with a grief I thought I had mostly recovered from some time ago. A few years back I lost a friend, suddenly and tragically. Her death, in a lot of ways, made me come undone.

This friend of mine, she was love incarnate. She always told me she loved me. Sometimes she would kiss me.

I always found the kisses awkward to deal with. And I never told her I loved her too. And then one day, she was gone.

Death is so final. The finality, when unexpected, is brutal. I began to question myself. I began to find that I had nothing inside. It was like my heart withered and died.

I felt a cold inside that was unlike any cold I have felt in the exterior world.

Recently, I have felt this cold again. And I have missed my friend. But things are different now.

I have had whole new wings built onto the crumbling mansion that had been my heart. I have one friend in particular who can dispel the shadows with a laugh or a smile. I have things in my life that matter enough to roll out of bed for.

And I have the memory of a dream.

About six months after my friend died, I dreamed I stood before the throne of God.

Surrounding us was a vast multicolored sea that was as still as glass. I would say it was glass, because in the dream we all (including God and his throne) stood on it…but we all knew it was not really glass.

God sat on a throne surrounded by a group of people I took to be a group of his friends.

I came before him on the sea and knelt on both knees. I tried to speak, but could only scream in pain and hatred, “Why don’t you kill me? I have nothing inside!”

At this, I fell dead, or rather, consumed, to the floor of the sea.

I heard God’s voice softly say, “Now get up.”

I said, “I can’t. I am dead inside.”

God laughed and said, “Of course you are. That is why you need to get up and live.”

At that, I took every last inch of strength I had left and stood with tears streaming down my face.

And then I woke up to find these tears really running down my face.

I have only ever shared this dream with a few close friends. But it has been on my mind so much lately, I felt like I should share it.

I have always made the philosophical argument that the one thing stronger than hope is nothingness. But as I have reflected on this dream, I stand (no pun intended) corrected.

The only thing thing stronger than hope is the love that reaches out past death, past nothingness, and calls us to live.

One day…
You’ll have to let it go
You’ll have to let it go
One day…
You’ll stand up on your own
You’ll stand up on your own
Remember losing hope
Remember feeling low
Remember all the feelings and
The day they stopped

-Our Lady Peace, “Innocent”

I whisper to you
Here, so close to me
Our words,
Our breath, mingle
When I am weak and uncertain
You speak your certain words
All the pain, all the tears
Have led me here: to your arms
When all my paths seemed to lead nowhere
You threw open a door no one can close
I whisper your name
You draw me close
You plant your kiss on my lips
Watch closely
As that kiss grows to love

Love will save us both
From all that comes
It opens the doors of this prison
And gives us to each other
It crowns us with freedom
And a future

This is a wordle that I made out of my poem:

Image: wordle.net

Alas…I do not like to sing. I have always kind of felt second rate at the church “worship” thing as we construe it in 21st Century Evangelical America. I sing to God…but in my own places and ways.

Funny thing. Worship in the Bible does include some singing. And that’s cool.

But it is also more.

It is sacrifice. It is offering. Real, tangible, earthy things.

Worship is a reminder, not just of promised glory, but of how we should carry each other’s burdens, of how we should live towards one another.

I looked in the eyes of an old friend tonight. And I saw something there I did not like: masked pain, confusion, fear.

I stopped the pointless chatter of our small talk, looked her the eyes, and asked, “Are you ok?”

She has done this and more for me in the past. She helped me stand when I wanted to fall and never get up.

Somehow, as I read the Bible, and as I live, I feel this is much more the sacrifice that God is looking for.

I am thankful for my friend. And tonight I pray she really is ok.

Yesterday I was taking a swirl down the toilet that is sometimes how I see myself and feel about myself. I was talking about how at my root, I am nothing but selfish and self-serving. And this friend of mine…this friend I could never deserve in a thousand years…looked me in the eyes and said:

“Those things are not true. Even if they were true, I would still love you.”

I forget what love looks like. I forget how it can pull you from the pit. I forget that God is love.

I forget that God loved and loves me – even at my worst.

I remember now.

My friend has so often been been and repeatedly is the voice of God’s love in my life. Her love, like his love, is relentless. Today, a friend asked me, “What is one thing you are thankful for right now?”

My answer right now is that I cannot get my friend’s voice out of my head.

And that I have been smiling all day.

Thank you.

In your presence
How to place you into mere words?
These feelings can only be constrained
When described

You are beauty
Through and through
Inside and out
In every action

You are worthy
Of so much more than
This life
Can give

You are loyal
And fierce and
Far more brave
Than your fear would have you believe

You are my friend
From here
To our graves

You are my sister
Far closer than blood
Could bind us

You are the smile
In my darkness

You are the hand that
Reaches out
When I don’t want to be reached

The stars pale next to
Their reflection in your eyes
The sun hides from the
Light you bring

And my heart, once dead,
Rejoices
And is at ease
In your presence

This is a wordle that I made out of my poem:

Image: wordle.net