I will not let you go

“The stars, they shine throughout the night because you have made them. I look up, writing by firelight–this fire I have made in contestation. We wrestle by your light. Your truth and my shadow embrace in fight. I will not let you go till you bless me.”

I wrote these words last night. They pretty much sum up where I have been at for some time now. Last night was a point of departure from all that.

God and I kinda settled each other’s hash…for now.

I have had several conversations with old friends of late. To a man, they are amazed that I, of all the people we knew growing up, have become a follower of Christ.

Me too.

Yet I do not blindly receive what is given to me. I question. And I question awful hard sometimes. This journey has–in a lot of ways–been more trouble than it has been worth to me. Most relationships are.

I don’t open easily. I don’t accept the way things are. I have severe disagreements as to the purposes and what I perceive as the vanity of this God.

But I do not doubt that he is real. I do not doubt that he strives with me personally. I may doubt the perfection of his love sometimes. But I do not doubt that he does love.

Life is a journey. Love is a thing I do not understand. And this struggle, this contest, is ongoing.

I will fight it with all I have.

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