Hope in the face of nothing

These past couple of days I have been dealing with a grief I thought I had mostly recovered from some time ago. A few years back I lost a friend, suddenly and tragically. Her death, in a lot of ways, made me come undone.

This friend of mine, she was love incarnate. She always told me she loved me. Sometimes she would kiss me.

I always found the kisses awkward to deal with. And I never told her I loved her too. And then one day, she was gone.

Death is so final. The finality, when unexpected, is brutal. I began to question myself. I began to find that I had nothing inside. It was like my heart withered and died.

I felt a cold inside that was unlike any cold I have felt in the exterior world.

Recently, I have felt this cold again. And I have missed my friend. But things are different now.

I have had whole new wings built onto the crumbling mansion that had been my heart. I have one friend in particular who can dispel the shadows with a laugh or a smile. I have things in my life that matter enough to roll out of bed for.

And I have the memory of a dream.

About six months after my friend died, I dreamed I stood before the throne of God.

Surrounding us was a vast multicolored sea that was as still as glass. I would say it was glass, because in the dream we all (including God and his throne) stood on it…but we all knew it was not really glass.

God sat on a throne surrounded by a group of people I took to be a group of his friends.

I came before him on the sea and knelt on both knees. I tried to speak, but could only scream in pain and hatred, “Why don’t you kill me? I have nothing inside!”

At this, I fell dead, or rather, consumed, to the floor of the sea.

I heard God’s voice softly say, “Now get up.”

I said, “I can’t. I am dead inside.”

God laughed and said, “Of course you are. That is why you need to get up and live.”

At that, I took every last inch of strength I had left and stood with tears streaming down my face.

And then I woke up to find these tears really running down my face.

I have only ever shared this dream with a few close friends. But it has been on my mind so much lately, I felt like I should share it.

I have always made the philosophical argument that the one thing stronger than hope is nothingness. But as I have reflected on this dream, I stand (no pun intended) corrected.

The only thing thing stronger than hope is the love that reaches out past death, past nothingness, and calls us to live.

This entry was posted in Where I'm At. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s